After everything was said and done

I'm just going to start out stating this - I am (mostly) not sentimental. It goes against my moral being to show any type of emotion other than happiness, excitement, or my occasional rant. It's uncomfortable and otherwise my forbidden topic.

But for this one time, just this once, I am going out of my comfort zone.

Exchange teaches you many things. It prepares you for things to come later on, and builds your confidence. Out of all of the things it prepares you for, saying goodbye is never one of them. Growing up, I never had to say many goodbyes. No friends really moved away, and I never moved away. Everything was constant and all very familiar. And then my sophomore year I was chosen as a Rotary Youth Exchange student. I soared through it, wishing my time away, counting my days out of anticipation until I left for Denmark. And then the last day of school came, and that is when I got my first taste of a goodbye. It actually got me pretty down for a couple days. I was expecting it to be bittersweet - the anticipation of what was next to come, Denmark of course, but also a little bit of reminiscent sadness in saying goodbye to my friends. Instead, it was just sad. Once I was finally over that goodbye, I still kept thinking about what goodbye really is. I do still think about that.

I wrote this once after my first goodbye, but never shared it anywhere. Heres a little excerpt. "You know how sad it feels to know the people you say goodbye to are likely the people who had the greatest impact on your life, and you also know that although you may always cringe at the memories of them, your life wouldn't be so incredible now if it wasn't for the mark they left behind on your mind, your future, and most importantly your heart."

(Okay, maybe I'm a little deeper than a kiddy pool.)

The people that I said goodbye to on the last day of school were likely some of the people that greatly changed my life, had some of the greatest impact on what was next to come, and I realized after I said my goodbyes that when I came back, the relationship I had with those people would likely be changed. It was very sobering and made me wonder, first of all, how is it possible that you could actually meet someone who literally changes your life, and then you never see them again. Or you rarely see them again. Or when you do see them again you can't possibly think of what to say, or how to get it back to normal.

I had many people tell me after my first real goodbye, "well, you're only gone for a year, you'll see them again." Here is where I come in with my corrections. I am not saying goodbye to the person per se, but rather the memories and the current relationship I once had with the person. There was an abundance of unknown left and unsettled about whether or not anything would be the same once I got back. As the months went on, I left for my exchange year, and things got better. The goodbye lost its power. The memories of the people I met and the things I did in my sophomore year began to fade.

In December, I was hit again with a powerful reminder of how hard goodbye is. Another thing exchange does - or at least the Rotary program, is gives you three wonderful families. The thing is though - sometimes four months with each family is just not enough time. I knew my families had been there long before I had, and had experienced many things and made many memories before I ever came into their life. The approximate four months I spent with each family created an infinite time frame, and so I forgot my time with them was ever limited. When I walked out of those houses on those afternoons, I was leaving something significantly special to me behind. Just as they had began without me, they would continue without me, as I without them. Their future was unwritten, and so was mine, but we were no longer directly entwined in each others.

It is of human condition to say goodbye, however it is also just like all of us to make the promises to each other that we will never forget the time we had together. This includes the empty promises we make to "think about each other." We tend to better remember and reminisce about things that have happened more recently. Therefore, our "thoughts" of each other become clouded, and fewer and far between. As time moves on we find things to eventually take up the space that we promised we would never forget, because we tend to remember things that more directly impacts us. A part of saying goodbye will always be, in a sense, a dismal tone of simply "moving on." It is never of our intentions, rather a matter of fact conclusion drawn about from living.

I have found but one thing that hurts more than a goodbye. That is knowing that the people you say goodbye to, likely some of the people that were most special to you, don't know how much, or recognize how much they did for you. They may not recognize how special they are to you, either. The motto, it seems to be, is that gratitude is always a good thing... only in moderation. Too little is ungrateful, however too much has the potential to alienate someone. In my opinion... as if gratitude is a bad thing. I wonder how there could ever be too much gratitude. Perhaps the reason I think so fondly of the people who helped me, or so nostalgically of the people who helped me, is because I was never able to fully express my gratitude or how I felt about them when the time was right. It's as though I have taken half the gratitude ahead with me and held onto it, and given them half of it. That isn't fair to me, or to them.

There is always a little bit of "save the world" in everyone. You can't do that though. One cannot help everyone. One cannot change everyone. For that reason, I believe whoever it is that helped you should know just how much they helped. To the world they may be one, but to one, they may be the world. It doesn't matter how much one does, it simply matters what one does. I will never be able to "rest assured," thinking of someone if I think there are things left unsaid, or unknown after a goodbye is said, especially if it's my thanks to them.

As one of my host dads once told me the night before I switched, "they say once you close one door, you open up others." Once you close the door to one home, you open the door to another. With each goodbye you're opening and closing doors to new homes, new people, and new things to remember. Goodbyes will always leave you with a relative sense of where home really is, and will always contain such a bittersweet kind of sadness, one that can in turn only make you happier for the times you once experienced, while reminiscing what you left behind.

With ultimate discomfort set aside, I would like to give the most profuse thanks to everyone that has been apart of this incredible year of mine. I would like everyone to know how much they did for me, or impacted me, and more importantly, I'd like for them to accept how much I feel it helped, regardless of their actions.

To Rotary, you have given me honestly such a bundle of opportunities, experiences, and lessons to have been learned over the past two years of this exchange experience, and it means a great deal to me to have been chosen for such a wonderful and one of a kind opportunity. It's been an eye opening experience to see how others live, and given me much insight into what shall come next in my future. 

To further support systems, from my parents, to teachers, to any others, whoever you might have been, I appreciate it all so much. Your encouragement and support truly means a lot regardless of how it was given or shown, and I truly wish I was able to express it properly. I hope you know that. 

And to my host families, my three wonderful host families. I thank you all profusely. You have done me the favor of letting me into your house, and given me a home, in not just where you live, but in your family as well. You have allowed me to get to know you all, one by one and month by month, and allowed me a place to learn to feel comfortable when I was so many miles away from what I've known for so long. Eleven months ago I left familiarity for your country and families, and in two days, I'll be returning. I can't imagine it will be nearly as familiar as what I came from in the first place however, as I've learned in this past year to let go and place trust in those who I lived with, though it may have been ever changing, and as a result, it's given me homes and families in some of the most giving people, and has wound up as my ultimate familiarity.

Perhaps the hardest part of this goodbye is not the goodbye itself, but the people and the things that I am saying goodbye to. I have found that a goodbye will always hurt the worst for the people and things that I have come to love the most.

Danmark, med de bedste minde, altid i mit hjerte.

Mange tusind tak for i år.

Farvel.